Boys with Toys
by a secret admirer
Summary: That Edward sure has some strange tendencies. Decades without human blood would do a number on any vampire, but this? Really, Edward? - A oneshot. Rating it 'M' may be a bit overkill but it does have the word 'breast' in it so it's indeed quite shocking.


_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight but I'd rather not talk about it._

_This kept popping into my head so I figured; why not write it down? _

_Let us take this moment to thank my lovely Beta Random-Lemon, who has taken it upon herself to protect the world from my trademark wayward comma's, bad spelling, bad grammar, bad ideas... Basically bad things in general. She's quite the catch._

_One last thing: Read all the way down because this one is all about the punchline._

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"Shh," he breathed softly against her neck. "I'll make it quick." His teeth carefully grazed her skin while his hand slowly made its way from her jaw down to her waist.

He opened his eyes and moved his head back a little just so he could look at her. He had really gone all out this time. There she was, in his dungeon, lying on his altar, surrounded by candles and dressed in that blue dress, the dress he loved on her so much; his singer.

Her innocence, her helplessness, her submission, the image sent a rush of desire through his body. Blood dripped from her wrists and venom pooled into his mouth at the mere sight of her breasts moving up and down on the rhythm of her shallow breathing. Even while he held his breath the smell was ..._distracting_ him, so he quickly buried his face in her dark, wavy, strawberry-scented hair which was covering most of her face and inhaled deeply.

_Heaven._

Tonight, he would make love to her and then take the poor girl's life. But he would not feel guilty. He would not allow himself to. She was made for him and him alone and finally, he had come to accept that. She was never meant to tease him, she was meant to _please _him. It's the way things were meant to go, he saw that now. His family would forgive him. They would understand, being vampires themselves; they knew what it was like to be taunted by the ever present bloodlust, always fighting the monster inside.

Not this time. His nose skimmed her jaw and he shivered at the knowledge that tonight, for the first time in this life, Edward would let the monster have its way; _not_ with the lowlifes of this world, but with the purest soul he could have ever hoped to find. Tonight he w...-

Footsteps in the hall snapped him right out of his reverie. He immediately jumped off the altar, and into a crouch, before headed for the door. He crashed into the intruder when he bolted out of the room, making them both stagger back and Edward had to suppress a hiss when he recognized who it was.

"Why is it so dark in there?" she pointed at the door after lightly placing a kiss on his nose. "What were you doing?" She further inquired curiously when he didn't immediately answer, rubbing her cheek which was a little sore from the impact with Edward's chest, but with a radiant smile on her face nonetheless. God he loved that smile.

When he had established that her cheek would be fine, Edward wanted to answer her question but he was struggling to come up with a plausible reply. She couldn't know. He might never get to see that smile again if she found out. No doubt she'd leave him and he wou…-

"Hey," she interrupted his thoughts yet again, placing a small hand on his cheek, "I asked you something silly." She still smiled, but Edward could tell she also looked slightly worried now. "What were you doing up here?" He could _hear_ worry in her voice too.

She lifted herself up on her toes and tried to look past him, into the room he had just fled. Luckily it was indeed quite dark in there, and he blocked her by taking hold of the left side of the doorpost and leaning his hip against the right, before she could either go in or see anything. He tried desperately to make it appear casual. It didn't.

"Oh, I er, just, you know. Nothing," he answered, ending the lie with a sanctimonious crooked smile. But his voice was too hasty, too soft and a bit shaky too. Also, he'd shot her a few quick glances while he spoke, unable to look straight at her and his free hand alternated between involuntarily pinching the bridge of his nose and rubbing the back of his neck.

She raised an eyebrow at him questioningly, trying to figure out what he was hiding. When she finally inhaled to speak, he quickly beat her to it. "So um, did you... need something, or...?"

She studied him intently, as if she was trying to read his mind through his eyes. Finally, she lightly shook her head as if to brush it off. She would grant him this secret. But she still sounded a little hesitant when she answered him.

"Well I can't find the ketchup anywhere and Alice told me to ask you…" she paused then and directed her gaze downwards, at the floorboards, suddenly suspicious again. What did Alice know that she didn't? She tried her best to recall how that conversation had gone, exactly.

Because hadn't she noticed that, for a moment there, the conniving pixie had been stifling a laugh when she told Bella to ask Edward about the ketchup? Suppose she had, then maybe the knowing looks Alice had given Jasper just before that, and the smirk _Jasper_ had been trying to bite back immediately after hadn't been just in her imagination, either.

Interrupting the memory, Edward asked "Alice told you to, what?" feigning nonchalance, but obviously still very nervous about something because for a vampire, he was awfully shaky.

At least ten seconds went by, each of those seconds felt like an eternity to Edward, before she finally replied. "Um, to ask you... Alice told me, to ask _you_." By the way she spoke, she seemed to check each individual word for hidden clues, but found none.

More silence followed until all of a sudden she looked back up at him, determined. Her eyes narrowed to slits when they locked with his. However with perfect poise and calm she said, "Edward, in a moment I will count to three. Before I'm finished, I hope you'll have stepped aside. However, if you haven't, here is what I will do,"

Never taking her eyes off his, she smiled sweetly and lovingly stroked through his hair before she placed a soft, gentle hand on either side of his face and continued in an equally soft and gentle voice, speaking clearly and slowly. "If you haven't stepped aside at 'three', will go downstairs, get your Volvo, drive it to school, wait until the bell rings, find Mike Newton and I will have sex with him on the backseat of your car."

Edward blinked. Again. And again. Then he swallowed.

_She wouldn't, _He thought.

"One," Bella began.

_Mike Newton? No way. She'd rather go shopping with Alice. _Edward hoped.

"Twoooo," Bella threatened.

_She's bluffing, _Edward decided.

Then, a second-hand vision hit him. Alice must be home too then. The vision was of Bella frenching the Newton boy, thusly proving him wrong, which caused him to let out a high-pitched squeak that he hadn't meant to be audible. He hadn't meant it to be, period. Downstairs someone snorted.

Sighing deeply, he hung his head and shook it in defeat. His hands did the same thing and soon they hung limply past his body and he looked like a puppet that had lost its strings. Sighing even deeper and covering his eyes with one hand, he reluctantly stepped aside.

He kept his back towards his room while Isabella entered it. He couldn't bear to look when he heard her flip on the light switch, or when she remained silent for a long, _long _time.

After about a minute or two she cleared her throat making Edward cringe. He squeezed his eyes shut, lifted his shoulders and lowered his chin, ready for the impact.

"Edward?" She sounded eerily calm and it filled Edward with dread. Angry Bella came in many forms but it was always a force to be reckoned with.

"Yes?" he said softly, but to Bella it sounded more like "..."

"Well I found the ketchup," she said finally without a hint of sarcasm in her voice. But Edward knew very well that with Bella, using _no _sarcasm, actually meant that _a lot of _it was implied.

"I can explain," a very small, velvety voice tried. Bella turned around to look at him with both eyebrows raised. He didn't look back.

"Really?" she asked with artificial fascination, as if she responded to a five year old that had just informed her he owned a pet dragon.

"Um… Yes?" Edward made the mistake of looking directly at her this time and he felt like crying.

"Well by all means Edward ...explain." She said while she held up a dark wig. "Because I am_ very_ interested to know why exactly there is a wigged blow-up doll in your bed covered in ketchup, surrounded by Christmas lights, smelling of strawberries and wearing_ my prom dress_!"

-:-

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**If you have a minute, I'd love to know what you think!**


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